The most important thing here is that you do not blame yourself! You are NOT responsible for the abuse. It is never OK for anyone to abuse you, and you are extremely strong for coming to this point. The fact that you are reading this means that you are on the right track, you are on a beautiful process of growth, learning and self-discovery. Part of this self-discovery often leads to the question where you may wonder how you managed to get into an abusive relationship in the first place.
Life is a beautiful process of gaining experience, learning and growing. You wouldn’t be upset at a baby for falling over while he is learning to walk. In fact you expect it, multiple times! You would hate for the baby to become depressed over their failure, or feel like they’ll never get this walking thing right. In such an instance, we would encourage this little one and reassure them that they will walk, they just have to get up each time they fall and keep trying. Even once they have mastered walking they may still be tripped up by a hidden tree root or grass covered hole. You would never blame them for falling.
Why would you treat yourself any differently?
Just because you are now an adult doesn’t mean you have it all figured out and know everything. Even if you did, there are masters of deception who deceive even the best of us. The reality is, that by the time we die we will probably have figured out only the tiniest fraction of all there is to know. Sigh a breath of relief for learning what you have now, so that you don’t have to go through the same thing in the next relationship. Then actually do something different and move forward. If it happens again, learn some more, do something else different, and move forward again, you got this!
You can’t change your abuser, you can change you
You cannot change your abuser, so don’t waste your energy. What you can do is institute healthy boundaries with them, and focus rather on yourself. You could always ignore the situation and stick your head in the sand like an ostrich and hope for the best, but this is unlikely to change anything. It’s not always easy or comfortable to be honest with yourself, but if doing so leads you to your happily ever after then isn’t it worth it? But before we get to that…
A strong word of caution
Abusive relationships can be very draining to your soul. Make sure you give yourself the attention you need to recuperate. Practice mental hygiene. Sort out your health. Surround yourself with positive people. Be aware that your worst critic may be yourself.
Practice self-compassion.
When you find yourself beating yourself up, think of how you would respond to a friend in the same situation. Say those same things to yourself, no excuses, out loud, until you internalize it.
It is not OK to say hurtful things to yourself just as much as it isn’t OK to say it to others. This did NOT happen because of your weight, the way you look, your interests, your shyness, or anything else you may be insecure about. Your self improvement needs to be part of your recuperation, not adding to the emotional drain.
Healthy change
Human nature is such that we constantly seek progression. As long as this is done from a baseline of acceptance of who you are, and where you’ve come from, then this change can contribute to our emotional reserves. If change comes from the basis of trying to make a change against our divine nature, then we will find ourselves adding to the emotional drain.
Anyone is at risk of suffering under the hands of abusive individuals. No one is perfect and we will not be perfect by the end of this life, but the following ideas may help if you are worried about falling into the same abusive cycle again. Read through the following, consider if one or two of these situations may apply to you.
Do you:
- find it hard to say no, even if you are stretched far too thin or are very uncomfortable
- give and give and don’t notice that you aren’t getting anything in return
- have low self esteem, second guess yourself constantly, rely on other people to validate you, and have a habit of blaming yourself for everything
- have a submissive personality, struggle with assertiveness and overly averse to conflict
- are excessively tolerant
- are fearful of being alone (in fact, it is useful to be aware of any fear you have, as any fear can be used against you as manipulation)
Getting help
If you are concerned about how you found yourself in an abusive relationship, it may be helpful to meet with a professional/counsellor/someone wise and trustworthy who knows you well that could assist you in a process of self discovery. It is not easy to be objective with yourself. You may tend to be overly critical or blind to things that you really should be aware of. We also are young in Spirit and are ignorant to a lot of emotional/mental/social issues that may harm us in this non ideal world in which we live.
My heart aches for those who experienced trauma in their life, especially at an age where you were most vulnerable. There is hope and healing for all who are wounded at the hands of others. But, it will take time, effort and probably many different people to get there.
Even if it takes a lifetime please do not give up.
Next post: Is this emotional abuse? Or just normal ups and downs of relationships?
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