This is a tough one. Firstly, because until someone points it out to you in practice, you are probably not going to know that you have been manipulated. Secondly, it is difficult to fight, but definitely not impossible. People are trying to manipulate you every day (think salesman, fear based news and advertising). A clue to the manipulation is that you’ll recognize that you have done something out of fear, guilt or obligation. These are terrible motivators as they often lead to poor decisions.
Identify the emotion they are manipulating
Abusers are incapable of asking for what they need directly, and so use deceptive means to get their way. Once you can recognize the emotion they are using against you then that becomes your huge clue to recognizing each time abuse is happening.
Mindfulness
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term mindfulness, now is a good time to read up on and start practicing it. Most people tend to go through their life on autopilot. Mindfulness is a process of switching autopilot off and being aware of what is going on within and around you. It is a meditation technique and is advocated by health professionals in the improvement of mental health and the treatment of conditions like depression and anxiety.
Step 1
Start by thinking about the last ‘compromise’ you made where you gave in to something, or apologized, or any situation that made you feel uncomfortable. What emotions were you feeling? Don’t judge the emotion or overthink it. Just recognize it, accept it and carry on with your day.
Step 2
Over the next several days find a way to keep record of your feelings. There are many mood tracker apps that can be used to track your feelings through the day. You’ll be surprised at what you learn. Once you can pick up on the pattern of your emotions you may be able to recognize the emotion that is being used against you, and therefore recognize when manipulation is occurring. When you feel that emotion, stop and think about what just happened to lead you to that emotion. If it was consistently brought about by an individual, familiarize yourself with how to recognize emotional abuse. Bring it up with them constructively if you are worried about it. If this goes badly it may be a good idea to discuss your situation with a health professional. If, however, it goes well and you are still experiencing these emotions, it may be a good idea to see a health professional for possible problems experienced in your past that may be affecting you currently.
Step 3
Now that you are catching the abuser in the act, the next step is to not give into the manipulation. Easier said than done, I know. Don’t worry if you don’t get it right the first time. Write down the interaction afterwards once the situation has cooled off and look at it objectively. What manipulative tool did they use, where did you give in and how can you avoid doing so the next time?
There are some important principles you need to understand to be able to avoid giving in to the manipulation:
- Remember that no one can make you feel anything. You are the master of your own emotions. The abuser will use triggers that set off a reflexive response within you leading to the manipulative emotion. The first step we discussed is learning to recognize those triggers. You then have the power to prevent the reflex from initiating.
- Abusers are incapable of considering your needs unless it is in their best interest. Do not think you can reason with them. The only battles worth fighting are those that protect your boundaries or your children, so don’t waste your time on other arguments.
- Try to be an observer of the interaction, rather than a participant. Don’t make any decisions at the time, tell them you’ll sleep on it and get back to them.
- Fear is often accompanied by threats. If you give into the threat you will always be under their power. You have to consider the threat:
- If it relates to your safety you have to contact an authority to assist you. Do not take it lightly. Domestic abuse related deaths are a very real threat in our society.
- If it relates to your financial position you have to find a way to get yourself financially independent. If this will take time consider family or friends to assist. Otherwise ask your local social workers or churches if there are any organizations who will be able to assist you in the interim while you get on your feet.
- For any other threat truly consider if it is worth paying attention to. Is the threat really worse than having to be submitted to worsening abuse and trauma for the foreseeable future? Often times that’s all it is, a threat, and when you call them on it they won’t follow through. When you do this, make sure you are laying down a boundary (healthy response) and not using a threat to get your way (abusive). For example, if they threaten to leave you if you don’t do A, B or C, then just explain that it is clear that you are at an impasse and therefore you agree that you can no longer be together. You have just taken away their ammo. You have to be completely comfortable with this outcome. They may at this point agree (good for you, you escaped the relationship) or they may do a 180˚ turn and become agreeable and will come at you a couple days later again with a new threat.
- Most importantly you have to build your own self-worth. The reason manipulation is so successful is because they are playing on your insecurities. Please read this article to assist (riding into the sunset).
- It may seem like they are an all-powerful being that has the capacity to read your thoughts and do whatever pleases them to you. They seem to have infinite connections and resources to ruin the rest of your life. It seems like this, because they have skillfully created that perception. All they are is your standard playground bully, and more than likely they don’t have a fraction of the confidence and power that you think they have. If you have any fear for you safety please contact your local authorities or call the abuse helpline.
That first moment you don’t let them manipulate you will feel like you’ve conquered the world. But, don’t let your guard down, because if the first strategy didn’t work they will come at you with plan B. They will be relentless. They have plans all the way to plan Z. If they are true abusers, hopefully you would have left them long before they get that far. Keep forefront in your mind that you should not be made to feel guilty or fearful in a relationship. There are countless ways to manipulate a person and countless emotions that can be used against you.
Next post: Why emotional abuse can be difficult to identify, even if you’ve seen it before
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