Everyone has good and bad days. No one is perfect. Your partner/boss/parent might have had a bad day, lost control of their emotions and snapped something insensitive at you. Could this be an early warning sign of impending emotional abuse? Or just the normal ups and downs of relationships?
No one is perfect, and we are all learning how to grasp the vast range of human emotions as well as how to work with other people with their differences of ideas and personalities. The difference between if this is normal or emotionally abusive comes down to the pattern. If it happens every now and then, and is occurring less and less frequently, it is more likely normal. Also if they apologize at some point, it is likely normal. If you feel comfortable approaching them and sympathizing with them about their bad day but explaining that their response to you wasn’t acceptable, and they empathize with you and apologize, it is more likely normal.
If, however, they do it frequently, it is more likely to be emotional abuse. When you talk about it with them do they blame you for some part of their reaction? They may blame the noisy kids, the messy house, their perception of your mood, etc… An emotional abuser always has an external excuse for their choice of poor behavior. Do they refuse to apologize and you end up being the one to apologize, again. These are all indicators that this is more likely to be an emotionally abusive relationship.
Clues to normal vs abusive behavior
If you are questioning if their behavior is just the normal result of maturing and learning to work better with different ideas and personalities, or if their behavior is abusive, here are some things to consider:
- Do you feel comfortable approaching them with your feelings and concerns?
- When you approach them do they respond with concern about the way you feel and discuss your problem with you?
- Are your problems that you bring up resolved, or are they building up in the background?
- Do they apologize for what they have done wrong?
- Is there progression in their behavior over time?
- Do they discuss their feelings and concerns with you respectfully?
- Do they not fit into any of the emotionally abusive criteria in how to recognize emotional abuse
The answer is yes
If you answered yes to the above questions, consider how you would like to be treated if you were in their position. If you were the one to have a bad day and snap, would you like to be put on an emotional roller coaster? Or would you like to be given the love and patience to pull yourself together, be embarrassed internally, and approach them later once you have calmed down to apologize. What if you didn’t recognize your bad behavior? Wouldn’t you like to be approached with love and explained respectfully why that behavior crosses a boundary and given the space to acknowledge your short coming and apologize for it?
Perhaps if we reacted a bit more with love and less with judgement we would have less tears and heartache.
The answer is no, should I be worried?
If, however, you answered no to the above questions, your response needs to be very different. You need to understand something here. If a person is abusive, there is more than likely an underlying reason for this. There are a number of personality disorders and psychological illnesses that might lead to a person not being capable of treating others respectfully. These disorders are very difficult even for professionals to treat. If even they struggle to assist, you definitely won’t be able to do anything to help the situation.
You need to seriously consider leaving the relationship. You need to then actually make a plan and follow through. If you are unsure, or in a position in which you cannot just leave the relationship, you need to get a professional opinion on the best way forward. Depending on the situation you might need to consult a psychologist, counsellor, or legal official to determine the best way forward.
Next post: Tips on dealing with emotional abuse
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