For some reason there is a negative connotation around the word boundary. There is an idea floating around in romantic land that two people that love each other should drop all defenses and be completely open and bare to each other. That makes as much sense as removing all laws in society because we should have the freedom to make our own decisions. If you are in a relationship with someone who believes boundaries are harmful or not necessary, this is your first warning sign. Boundaries are what make relationships healthy, while lack of boundaries makes for very unhealthy relationships.
What is a boundary?
Because boundaries are often subconscious, abstract, and different for each individual, it isn’t always easy to recognize if someone is disregarding yours. This may be because you are often made to feel guilty or fearful when communicating your needs. To make your boundaries easier to identify, you may find it easier to picture them as your rights. Consider the following rights…
You have the right to:
- share your feelings, fears and concerns without fear of emotional retaliation of any kind
- to be spoken to with respect at all times
- to feel safe in your own home
Here are three boundaries that I hope we all have. I say hope as I see far too much humor on TV based on these rights being violated. The opposite of these boundaries would be:
- I can only share my feelings, fears and concerns at a time, place and location that suits my partner, and if I say the wrong thing I can expect to be punished by an emotional roller coaster
- I can’t expect my partner to always be respectful as they may be having a rough time and I need to try be supportive
- If I am treated disrespectfully it’s OK because I probably did something to deserve it and I’ll apologize and try do better next time
It is often extremely difficult to recognize unhealthy boundaries in a relationship unless you’re looking in from the outside. So if you are unsure, think about something in your relationship that makes you uncomfortable. What would you change? What would happen if you were to bring it up for discussion? If you feel very uncomfortable about the thought of bringing it up it’s probably not a good sign.
Implementing boundaries
Set boundaries, not ultimatums
Where abuse victims will struggle with the implementation of healthy boundaries, is they confuse implementing boundaries with the emotional abuse principle of intimidation. Intimidation is the use of threats and ultimatums to get one’s way. If you are confused about if you are setting a healthy boundary or an emotionally abusive ultimatum, think about what your motive is behind setting it. It is emotionally abusive if you want something and you are forcing the situation to get your way. If it is a barrier to protect you from abuse, then it is a boundary.
When you try and enforce your boundary you will most likely be hit with a wave of emotional abuse in return. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Stand firm. Those boundaries must not fall. People have to learn to respect your boundaries and if they can’t they must go, and a much brighter future will be waiting for you with people that respect you.
How to set your boundaries
This may be hard to hear but victims may have their boundaries continuously crossed because either they allow it by not communicating effectively that a line has been crossed, they are overly tolerant, or they don’t follow through with a consequence. This communicates to the abuser that what they have done is OK, and they can do it again and again.
Consider the following steps:
- Determine what your boundaries are
- Communicate them across effectively, as well as the consequences to breaking them
- Carry through with the consequence of the boundary being crossed.
I’ll give an example of this. Let’s say your abuser has a temper problem. You lay a boundary down that they are only allowed to speak to you respectfully. Perhaps the boundary you set is that you will not respond, or that you will walk away, and that you expect an apology. Your consequence to not apologizing may be that you will exit the relationship. The next day they fly into a rage over something and shout at you. Make sure then that you stay silent, or walk away. Make sure you get an apology. If they do not, then give them a warning that next time it happens, and they don’t apologize, you will leave. The next time it happens, follow through and leave, as long as it is safe to do so.
It is a huge red flag if you continuously have to lay down boundaries with the ultimate consequence being that you will exit the relationship. You may be in a relationship with an individual who is incapable of recognizing basic boundaries and respecting them.
Getting help
Please get assistance from a health professional to make sure that you understand what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Ask for assistance on how to effectively enforce your boundaries. If you cannot afford a health professional, get an outside perspective from someone you trust. It isn’t always easy for friends and family to get involved between two people they love. It’s also difficult to get unbiased advice from someone that knows only you. If you cannot get help from someone close, use a support group. These meetings are designed to help you through situations exactly like this one. The counsellors are often individuals who have experienced similar things and have sought further training to assist others through it.
Next post: How did I allow myself to get into an abusive relationship?
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