Tips on dealing with emotional abuse

There are a number of reasons that dealing with emotional abuse is so hard. This is made worse by the gaslighting effect of the abuse, which leaves you confused, or wrapped up into believing some of your abuser’s erroneous ideas about their behavior and the truth of the situation. You are also forced to deal with situations that no one should ever have to deal with that are completely new to you. Here are some helpful tips to uncover the truth and effectively deal with emotionally abusive relationships:

Hope

• Be patient with yourself. I know this is hard. That you likely feel no one understands what you are going through. I know there are times you will feel there is no hope. I know you are fearful and there have been many tears. Please hang in there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Reach out to me, reach out to someone you trust. For this too shall pass. Listen to people’s stories who have made it to the other side. One day you’ll be sharing your own story.

Getting out the situation

• The more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make. Familiarize yourself with the posts on this and other websites starting at what is emotional abuse?
• Don’t allow anyone to bully you into either staying or leaving a relationship. Both options are hard and both have serious consequences attached. Do what is best for you and your kids, not what is best for other people.
• Make sure it is safe for you to leave. Should you fear for your safety, please contact your local abuse hotline for assistance
• The emotional abuser won’t feel bad about their poor behavior, as they feel 100% justified in doing it. The victim will feel guilty about their poor behavior and will take responsibility for the situation. That is why the victim needs to just remove themselves from the situation. The reality is, it doesn’t matter how much you try change, or try to handle the situation differently, your abuser will not change. You are then assuming that you are responsible in some part for their treatment of you. Your abuser has an unending supply of ammo against you on all your weaknesses and shortcomings. Leave! And find someone who has an unending supply of ammo of all your positive traits.
• Only attempt exercises of improving the situation in abusive setups where you have to maintain some contact with the abusive individual, for example, if you have children together or work together etc. If you don’t need to be around them don’t think you can fix them, just leave. If you have to be around them or discuss certain things, make sure you are only addressing those things. Limit other contact with them outside of those matters.

Support

• A professional ear is invaluable in pointing out things that you are missing. Please try prioritize getting help. There will never be enough money and/or time but getting help early can save you a lot of money and time in the long run
• Support groups are invaluable. You may have a negative perception about them that you have gathered from popular media. If this is the case, do yourself a favor and just give it a try. Form your own opinion.
• Be careful who you speak to. There are plenty people out there who thrive on drama and may fuel the fire. Try keep only a very select group of people and professionals in the loop; those who have an active role to play in assisting you. It is difficult for family and friends to get involved between two people they love. Others that only know you might not be able to be objective. If you don’t have family and friends find a support group.

• It is hard when the abuser is doing what they do best and persuading everyone around you that they are the hero and your are the villain. Try resist the urge to engage in a backward-forward tennis match of he-said, she-said. Don’t feel the need to set the record straight. The abuser’s true colors will always be revealed, usually without your help, even if it is only in the long run. This is when you’ll see who your true friends are. If you lose your circle of friends in the process, I know it is really hard, but when you find your true friends down the road you’ll be so grateful for this hard path that ultimately led you to them. Then you will recognize that who you thought were your friends may not have been the best thing for you at the time.

Emotional hygiene

• The easiest way to deal with the situation is to get away from the abusive individual. You’ll notice with time your mind will become clearer as your brain is allowed to process confusing ideas without the abusive individual continuously confusing you all over again before you have had time to process the latest drivel.
• Set out a bit of time each day where you can process thoughts without distraction. If you find yourself in a queue are you able to keep your phone in your pocket? If you feel an urgent need to pull out your phone this may be a clue that you are looking for distraction from uncomfortable thoughts. Rather give yourself the time to process them and let them go.
• A lot of processing and healing occurs automatically. But, if you are struggling, do yourself a favor and invest in a psychologist. It will likely save you a lot of money down the line by addressing problems early
• Practice emotional first aid
• Get enough sleep. Sleep is different for everyone. Adults need between 7-10 hours a night depending on the individual. It is normal to take between 5 and 20 minutes to fall asleep. If you fall asleep faster than that it may be a clue that you are not getting enough sleep. Unless you are a mother getting up in the night, or have a medical condition, you should not feel like you need a nap in the day. Rather make sure you have healthy sleep routines. Sleep is important as a lot of the mental healing occurs during this time.

Learning what normal is

• If a situation is bugging you, think, “What would a ‘normal’ person have done?” It is helpful to compare your situation to normal because then it is easier to recognize your situation as ‘abnormal’. For example, if I shared a concern, I would want them to listen, acknowledge my feelings and then have a discussion about a compromise moving forward. This is in sharp contrast to what you are probably experiencing which could be the abuser getting upset, turning the situation around on the victim, storming out, denying there is a problem, or whatever your dysfunctional set up is. 
• Get comfortable with the concept of healthy boundaries. 

Dealing with emotional abuse

• While you know their behavior is emotionally abusive I wouldn’t recommend using that term with your abuser. What will happen is they will do their own research and do what they do best; they’ll circle the information back on you and suddenly everything you do will be abusive. And because you are already struggling with the gaslighting effect you are going to be confused and distracted from their poor behavior and feel guilt that isn’t warranted. Most people can acknowledge when they have made a mistake. Abusers often don’t have the capacity to acknowledge their faults or to take responsibility.
• After a situation occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable, write down what happened. Recording conversations is also helpful, just be aware of any legal issues this may present. Then read the situation back to yourself, or play the recording back. You’ll notice that you won’t have been able to think clearly as the situation was happening due to the manipulation and gaslighting. Looking in on it later as an observer will allow you to more clearly see the truth of the situation. Did they manipulate an emotion? Or circle the conversation? Did they ever apologize? Or did you end up apologizing again? 
• You may desperately want the closure of an abuser acknowledging some level of responsibility for the situation, or demonstrate some interest and progress in changing. You are not likely to get that closure. Reframe that need for closure to something else. For example, your boss shouts at you in front of everyone, again. Rather than dwelling on who else higher in the chain you can complain to, again, focus on how proud you are for gaining the courage to finally put your CV out there and be excited for the interview you have lined up the next week. Or if your ex makes a dig at you when dropping off the kids don’t even bother getting upset about it. Sigh a breath of relief that you managed to dodge that bullet and get out of the relationship.
• Remember that no one can make you feel anything. Every time you’re tempted to say, “He made me so angry!” (or whatever emotion) try apply a technique to not let them get to you. I found it very useful to watch children (you can learn a lot from watching children). For example, watch a child who gets upset because another child said something trivial that isn’t true and really doesn’t matter, but it seems to be important to the first child which is why the bully keeps saying it. After much tears and drama the adult nearby will say, ‘don’t listen to them, who cares what they say?’ So to you, “Who cares what they think?” “Who cares what they say?” Instead of letting it affect you remember that that is the reason you left (or are going to leave) and breathe a sigh of relief. Find a strategy that works for you, don’t give up until you find it.
• Remember that even if you made a mistake it does not give anyone the right to treat you badly. Often the victim will tolerate the abuser’s anger/emotional abuse because they feel some form of responsibility for the distress the abuser is feeling. You cannot make them feel anything. They are the master of their own emotions, and just because they feel distress does not give them a right to treat someone else disrespectfully.
• You cannot change your abuser so don’t try or try to reason with them. They are incapable of seeing anything beyond their own needs. The word incapable means exactly that. If they are not able to then why are you wasting your time and emotional reserves trying to work with them?

Legal

• One of the biggest distresses that emotional abuse victims face is the lack of legal support available to assist you. This is because firstly, courts are more likely geared to assist children, the elderly and other vulnerable classes of individuals. Adults are expected in most cases to look after themselves. Secondly, if they are verbally abusive in writing, or physically or sexually abusive with physical evidence, you will be able to get help if you persist. Emotional abuse is often unseen with no physical wounds left behind, so you have to be smart in getting legal assistance.
• Abuse is illegal in any form, don’t let anyone confuse you on this point, no matter how educated they are. If one person won’t help you, find someone else who will.
• Getting a good legal outcome is often hard because in any relationship, you are not dealing with just one imperfect person. You are both not going to react perfectly to each situation. Your abuser will skillfully manipulate the situation to get a reaction from you and then cry you are emotionally abusive in return. The situation will be ruled as mutually abusive and no one will listen to you. 
• You have to dig deep here and rise above the abuse. It doesn’t matter how much they rile you up and push your buttons you have to get a control of yourself and not react. Have an exit strategy for those times you fail to keep control of yourself. Explain in advance the rules of engagement and be consistent with them. You do not have to hang around if you are being abused. You are allowed to end the conversation and if they won’t end it you are allowed to leave the situation and continue later. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated while you are applying your exit strategy as they will likely label the exit strategy as abusive. Establish clear boundaries for the relationship. This could be that you will not engage in conversation if either party becomes sullen, or raises their voice, or refuses to hear you, or that doesn’t follow a healthy conversation pattern. If they are incapable of following these boundaries you are well within your rights to insist that all communication be done through email. Even messaging isn’t a great idea in the worst abusive situations
• Make sure you have an experienced professional who is aware of your efforts so that they can back you up with legal reports. If they are aware of your boundaries and support them, they will be able to defend a case against you where your partner may be accusing you of control. Be prepared then to listen to their input as well.
• You need to gather as much evidence as you can. Save emails, recordings, or write everything down. If you can’t get enough physical evidence you’ll have to lay a rule that you will only communicate over email. You have to be flawless in your responses. If you need legal assistance make sure that you receive legal advice so you know exactly what evidence to get and what not to do yourself to prevent your case being ruled as mutually abusive.

If you have any other tips that helped you deal with a situation where there was emotional abuse please send in your story. Help others who are currently struggling

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